After a weekend of taking what could have been the best
pictures of my life. I return the camera and go to the darkroom. I was super
pleased with the last medium format black and white pictures I took, and I have
acquired a taste for black and white photography that I never thought I would.
To my horror vision all the negatives turn out completely
dark. My first thought is “what did I do wrong” but the truth is that
everything I did was exactly as always except the camera was different!
The only way I can express what I really feel is by lending
a word from the Danish or German language.
What I feel is ærgrelse
or ärger.
The closest could be regret or disappointment, but it’s
neither, perhaps a mixture? Cause can I regret something that I can’t blame on
myself? In fact I can blame no one ærgelse
is something that either can be with or without a recipient of blame. It holds
an element of disappointment and annoyance, but is much less stronger than
regret. The closest I could come to
this expression when looking thought the thesaurus is “vex”. I have never heard
any English speaking person use this term nor have I seen it written, whereas
in Danish and German language it is a word, which is in frequent use.
I am disappointed never to get to see my pictures. But
within lies also a feeling of wasting time. I have spent time walking around
choosing each frame carefully as there are only 12 pictures on each film and
put time into developing in the darkroom. All I am left with is 3 blank roll of
films, and that is ærgeligt/ärgerlich.
At the same time as having this feeling of ærgrelse, I can’t help but think that
this is the name of the game when you take analog photographs. It is always unknown
if anything will appear until the development is done. There is an anticipation,
which spans over a long period of time, from the moment where the film is
inserted into the camera until the negatives are finished developing.
This is why I don’t spend much time grieving over my loss.
My hands still smell of chemicals, I am 36 images short, but
tomorrow it will be forgotten and there will be new pictures to take.
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